That’s what I’ve taken to calling this thing that is happening to me. I’ll describe it for you– and just so you know, this is all in my brain–
Oh, cool, there’s an exhibit coming up at the MFA that will tie in nicely with our…
Oh, those ballet dancers look so cute and I am so glad this is where Sadie is learning to dance. Won’t she be cute when she’s up there doing those…
Wow, the nativity is really starting to get big. Next year we’ll have to put it on the…
Are you getting the picture? The lurch is this pesky mental whiplash that happens when I start planning something only to realize that I can’t plan that thing, or have that daydream because we won’t be here. or because I don’t know where we will be at some particular point in the future. It really is an interesting phenomenon. Honestly, and I don’t mean to be morose, but it’s a little like grieving over a dead child. See, most women (and maybe men, I don’t know) start dreaming and planning about the lives their children might have, oh, about the minute they see the little blue line on the stick telling them they’re pregnant. So, one of the nasty parts about having a child die, is that you have to re-calibrate all of those future plans, hopes and dreams to match with your new reality.
Now, I’m really excited about the FS, but I have to admit that that LURCH is telling me I’m doing a little grieving too. Well, not grieving so much as re-calibrating. Definitely re-calibrating. So, currently, I’m only able to plan things until we move, which is a date whirling ever nearer, and might I add at a pace that seems to be quickening.
Here’s what’s interesting. The more people I talk to about our new job (yes, I know it’s not MY new job, but it may as well be!) the easier it gets. We went to a wedding (beautiful wedding, by the way) and were able to talk to people about it. My parents came over and we started making plans for them to come out to D.C. for a visit while we’re there. And they confirmed they’ll come to us wherever we are in the world to visit. And my heart felt lighter. And the LURCH got smaller. It’s more like a mental speed bump now. And I know how to deal with those: slowly and deliberately.